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Total Solar Eclipse

August 25, 2017July 30, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

I was lucky enough to see the total solar eclipse from Baker City, Oregon on Monday. It is an experience I will never forget and one that is difficult to describe. It is one that no pictures can do justice. You have to be there to see the eerie darkening and feel the temperature drop. And when that last burst of light fades into totality, it is pure magic.

Since I couldn’t find the words, I turned to literature.

“The sky snapped over the sun like a lens cover,” is how Annie Dillard describes it in her classic dark and eerie essay Total Eclipse about the 1979 total solar eclipse she witnessed in Yakima, Washington.

David Baron describes the feeling of otherworldly transcendence in his book, American Eclipse. “A total eclipse is a primal, transcendent experience. The shutting off of the sun does not bring utter darkness; it is more like falling through a trapdoor into a dimly lit, unrecognizable reality. The sky is not the sky of the earth – neither the star-filled dome of night nor the immersive blue of daylight, but an ashen ceiling of slate. A few bright stars and planets shine familiarly, like memories from a distant childhood, but the most prominent object is thoroughly foreign. You may know, intellectually, that it is both the sun and moon, yet it looks like neither. It is an ebony pupil surrounded by a pearly iris. It is the eye of the cosmos.”

But my favorite description is from Leigh Ann Henion in her book, Phenomenal, as she watched a total solar eclipse on an Australian beach. “Slowly, the plasma that has been hidden in the sun’s harshest rays begins to push out from the center of the moon, like iridescent petals blooming in darkness. Before me, the corona cries out in streamers of light. The face of the sun is white as stars, lilies, snow. It expands until it is a ring of pure light pulsating in the sky. Its edges have the same twinkling as those pale fingers that play music in the solar winds.”

As we took off in an airplane from Baker City shortly after totality, we saw coyotes roaming in the grass nearby. The air traffic controller warned pilots to watch out for a “flock of coyotes” on the runway, perhaps more accustomed to warning of hazards of the winged kind. There was something raw and surreal about taking off as a pack of coyotes roamed the runways. It was a little haunting but mostly humbling. It was a reminder of how little control we as humans really have on our universe and a reminder of how lucky we are to live on our spectacular planet Earth.

American Eclipse by David Baron
In the summer of 1878, a total solar eclipse swept across the country from the Rocky Mountains of Montana to Texas. Astronomers and scientists clamored and braved the arduous journey west to witness the rare event. Among them was the famous Thomas Edison who was testing out a new invention that measured the amount of heat radiating from the corona of the sun and the astronomer Maria Mitchell who brought a team of female students to observe and record data in a time when the field was largely male dominated. Baron recounts this exciting time in history that brings together astronomy and adventure in this fascinating book.

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Orcas Island Camping

July 30, 2017August 7, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

Around the time Evie turned 5 months old, I was getting antsy. The weather was cool and drizzly and we hadn’t been getting out as much I’d like. My husband was out of town and there were just a few days when the weather would be nice. I thought it would be fun to take Evie on the ferry and camp on Orcas Island. And then I thought about how much effort that would require and it made me very tired. I took a nap instead.

The next morning I woke up feeling energized. I thought maybe I could pack everything and make it to Anacortes in time for the afternoon ferry. I went into turbo mode and ran around the house packing stuff like a madwoman. I put everything outside next to the car and then puzzled it all into the back of my little VW Golf. It was so much more than I’ve ever needed on a camping trip, but it all fit perfectly with no room to spare. Nali got the backseat next to Evie and we were off.

Leaving on a Sunday afternoon, we basically had the ferry to ourselves. I played it cool among the locals heading back to the island from Seattle. Evie watched out the big window to see islands floating by. We went outside to feel the rush of the wind from the upper deck. First ferry ride: check.

Once we got to Orcas I found a lovely and lonely campsite on Cascade Lake. I set up camp and put Evie in the bumbo which she loves. I sang head, shoulders, knees and toes to get her to smile as I reheated some leftovers for dinner. I have to say I was pretty proud of myself for thinking of bringing leftovers to eat while camping. Gotta celebrate the small victories.

Later, as the sun was beginning to go down, I packed up baby and dog and headed up the long windy road to the top of Mount Constitution. There was just one couple that pulled in ahead of me and a single deer. I exchanged pleasantries with the couple and the deer, and we watched the sun setting on the nearby islands.

It was a long night full of feeding Evie, making sure Evie was still alive, and wondering if Evie was warm enough. It was so calm outside with not even the faintest rustle of a breeze. So I was surprised when I heard a long vrooooom sound like a stealth airplane and then a minute later I heard a splash and a little screeching cry. Then dead silence. Literally. I sat straight up, eyes wide, and didn’t move for a long time. I was listening for a clue to what just happened and I thought to myself, dude, something just got murdered.

I racked my brain to think of what predators might live on the island. It had to be an owl right? Yeah, owl sounds right. But could it have been a bear? Definitely not a bear. A cougar? Maybe… No, cougars don’t live on the island. Do they? Was it a raccoon or a possum? I don’t think they are predators. It was definitely an owl. It had to be. Or could it have been a cougar? This cycle continued on until dawn.

Needless to say, Evie, Nali and I slept in that morning. When we (I) mustered up the energy, we headed to Turtleback Mountain for a hike. The trail starts on an old logging road through the forest. It felt good to be out, Evie in the carrier and Nali at my feet. Evie didn’t make a sound, she just looked up at the tall cedars and Douglas firs. It made me think of when I moved to Seattle and couldn’t believe that there were so many tall trees along the highway. I had never seen trees so tall in my life. This will be Evie’s normal.

The trail left the road and continued through a hardwood forest carpeted in green. It felt like we were in a fairy tale. We lingered at the summit watching hawks glide back and forth in front of us. It felt like we had the whole island to ourselves. After the hike I drove into town and we visited the Brown Bear Bakery for lunch and then browsed the books at the charming Darvill’s bookstore. I picked out a picture book about a girl and a whale for Evie to read when she gets older.

I wanted to take Evie to a beach so I drove out to Obstruction Pass. The tide was high and there was a small amount of rocky beach to explore. The sun was just beginning to get lower in the sky. The blue water sparkled and the madrona trees glowed orange in the sunlight. It was a beautiful day. When we got back to the campsite we watched the sunset on the lake while Evie sat in her bumbo smiling away while I sang. I slept good that night.

Hikes Featured in this Post:
Turtleback Mountain
Obstruction Pass

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Hike It, Baby

May 13, 2017February 10, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

The outdoors is a refuge for many, including my fellow mamas. There is something about the fresh air and movement that has a calming effect on little ones and on us, for that matter. I discovered an organization called Hike It Baby that puts together meetup hikes for families all over the world. I wanted to give it a try and see what I could learn from others about hiking with my baby and maybe make some new friends. They also happened to be starting the Hike It Baby 30 challenge which is to hike 30 miles in the month of April. So I signed up.

My first Hike It Baby hike was at the Redmond Watershed Preserve. I had never been there, but it seemed like a mellow place to start and the website said it was even stroller friendly. I was really hesitant to use the stroller on the trail, it just didn’t seem like a good idea to me, but I assumed the trail would be nice and flat and the other moms were using their strollers so I just assumed it would be fine.

The five of us with our kiddos hit the trail and got to know each other a bit. All the other moms had worked in the tech industry before they had kids and we talked a lot about work-life balance and how it is a bit of a myth. One mama said she had to get a doctor’s note to reduce her hours to 40 hours a week instead of her standard 60 when she was pregnant. Not surprisingly, she never returned to her job. Another emigrated to the US from India while she was pregnant with her second and had to adjust to a completely new country and culture. These mamas were no slouches.

Then something happened. One of the moms had two 4 year old boys in a double stroller. One was out of the stroller and walking ahead, the other was strapped in. As we were coming down a hill, she stopped to take a break when the stroller got away from her. It flew down the hill right into the other kid, knocking him over and then went over an embankment and flipped over and landed about 10 feet down a ravine. I stopped and made sure my own baby was secured on the hill before climbing down to get the boy in the stroller. I flipped him over and unstrapped him and checked him over for any injuries. To my astonishment, he had only a small scrape on his head. The other boy was fine too, just a bit shaken up. Their mom was visibly shaken up, understandably. But we got them everyone calmed and went on our way.

We continued in silence for while and I held onto my stroller with white knuckles. I learned some really important lessons that day. The first was to listen to my intuition. I was uncomfortable using a stroller on the trail but in my sleep deprived state I didn’t really think about what the dangers could be and allowed myself to follow along with the crowd. I didn’t do my research to find out more about the terrain of the trail before going out and I didn’t even bring my usually daypack with a first aid kit. I suddenly felt incredibly ill prepared and like a terrible parent. I vowed to never ever take a stroller on a hike again and to not let my guard down just because I’m hiking in a group.

I ventured out again with Hike It Baby in April, this time to Wallace Falls for a “carrier only” hike. There were again five of us and our kiddos. One had two kids, ages 1 and 2 strapped in tandem, one on the front and one on the back. She had to be carrying at least 60 pounds in awkward child weight and I thought for sure she wouldn’t make it to the falls. But she did, and I learned that she was an ex-marine who spent months at a time road tripping all over the country with her kids when they were infants and camped and hiked every day. Another mama in the group talked about how Hike It Baby saved her life as her husband left her shortly after she had their first baby and she had to work two jobs, one as a nurse with nighttime hours, to make ends meet. I asked her when she had time to sleep, she said she didn’t really. She carried her now 2 year old boy on her back and his favorite thing to do was giggle to make others start giggling too. Another of the moms with her 5 month old boy talked about how Hike It Baby saved her too as she was battling with postpartum depression. She was going for “no zero days” during the month long challenge and would end up hiking every day (during the rainiest April ever recorded) and racking up 60 miles with her two kids.

These mamas, with applesauce in their hair and trail mix raining from the children on their backs, are amazing and inspired the crap out of me. They are incredibly strong both physically and mentally and I felt honored to be part of their little posse for a day and to learn from them. It is not easy being an adventurous mom. It takes a lot of planning, patience and courage, but those kids were having the time of their lives. On the way down the trail, one of the 2 year old boys passed out on his mama’s back with a half of a PB&J in each hand and peanut butter smeared on his face and I thought, it didn’t get much better than that.

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Dog Mountain

May 2, 2017July 30, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

One of my favorite trails to visit in the spring is Dog Mountain in the Columbia River Gorge. Situated on the north side of the river, its flanks are fully exposed to the south and all the sunshine. In the spring, the hillsides explode with the most brilliant yellows of arrowleaf balsomroot.

This was the first summit I hiked on my own many years ago. The trail climbs, steeply at times, 2800 feet above the river below. But I hardly noticed the elevation as I was so distracted by the flowers. I knew that the trail was famous for its balsomroot blooms, but I didn’t know that it was also home to seemingly hundreds of other flower species. I was just starting to learn my PNW flowers so I stopped to take photos of all of them to identify later. Most were new to me at the time.

Near the summit is an old lookout site. The lookout was built in the 1930’s to watch for fires across the river. As airplanes took to the skies in search of fires, lookouts all over the west became obsolete, including this one, which was removed in 1967.

It is said that the mountain got its name from a writer who described the steep and rough mountain as “that dogged mountain” or “that doggone mountain” and recommended sturdy boots for the ascent. There is also a legend that says some men got stranded on the mountain and had to resort to eating their dogs. I’m hoping this theory is not true.

No matter the hardships endured to get to the top of this mountain, its hard not to have a smile on your face and hum “The Sound of Music” along with the infinite number of bees feasting away.

But, with all the springtime beauty comes crowds. This trail, with its close proximity to Portland and Vancouver, is one of the most heavily trafficked in the Gorge. Parking is nearly impossible, so be sure to arrive very early or go on a weekday.

Be prepared to share the trail with others and make the best of it. Some of my favorite hikes are crowded ones where I get to see the happy faces of other hikers enjoying the same beautiful space.

Hikes Featured in this Post:
Dog Mountain

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10 Best Seattle Parks

April 13, 2017February 23, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of my time in the urban parks of Seattle. My baby is a mover, so on days when there is more crying than napping I pack her up and head to a nearby park to walk her calm. Lately, though, she has been sleeping in the car and been more awake on the walks, but she is at least calm and content. It makes me happy to know that she’s looking at the trees and birds and hearing all the sounds. Eventually she will doze off a bit and it will be enough to say we made it through another day. I thought I would share a list of my favorites to visit on these early spring days, with or without an overtired baby.

Discovery Park
Discovery Park is the largest park in Seattle with 534 acres and 12 miles of hiking trails. It is located on the former site of Fort Lawton on a bluff overlooking Puget Sound. Open meadows invite you to spread a picnic blanket and take in the views. In the summer, tall golden grass glows in the sunset. Head down to the beach to wander the shoreline and visit the lighthouse. To get the full experience, hike this 3 mile loop that highlights the best of the park.

3801 Discovery Park Blvd // Trail map

Carkeek Park
A lesser known park boasting gorgeous Puget Sound views, beaches, and miles of trails is Carkeek Park. The forested 220 acres is home to an important watershed, Pipers Creek, where salmon are released and return to spawn. In the spring, visit the small salmon fishery where little fry are bulking up for their journey. Hike for miles in the lush forest or head across the walking bridge over the railroad tracks to explore the beach. Take this 3.5 mile loop that spans the length of Pipers Creek and even leads to a secret orchard. Afterward, warm up with some tea and a treat at Preserve and Gather.

950 NW Carkeek Park Rd // Trail map

Washington Arboretum
One of the best places to see cherry blossoms in bloom in Seattle is the Arboretum. Park at the Graham Visitor Center and head to Azalea Way. I like to find my way there by sneaking around all the windy trails until I spot some pink in the distance. The park is really a massive botanical garden, each tree, plant, and flower meticulously placed and cared for. You will find some native species, but mostly this is a place to see unique species from around the world. One of my favorites is a little grove of redwood trees. To make an afternoon of it, grab a vegetarian lunch at Cafe Flora or stock up some macarons (the best in Seattle, in my opinion) at Belle Epicurean. In autumn, the Japanese Garden can’t be missed.

2300 Arboretum Dr E // Trail map

Volunteer Park
What this park lacks in acreage and trails, it makes up for in charm. Volunteer Park, perched atop Capital Hill, boasts an impressive collection of trees. This map shows the walking paths and identifies each tree in the park. The park is also full of little hidden gems like perfectly circular ponds full of ducks, a water tower (that you can climb up) and stunning dahlia gardens in the summer. There is a playground and a wading pool for the kiddos too. It is also home to the Seattle Asian Art Museum (currently closed for renovations) and my favorite part, the Conservatory. Visit the nearby Volunteer Park Cafe for the full experience.

1247 15th Ave E // Trail map

Seward Park
Nestled on a peninsula in Lake Washington is the little oasis of Seward Park. This park has some of my favorite forested trails in the city lined with towering douglas fir. But its the birds that rule this park. All kinds of local species including bald eagles, woodpeckers, and owls make their home here. Visit the Seward Park Audubon Center to learn about this important bird habitat or to join in on a guided nature walk or nighttime owl prowl. A 2.4 mile paved trail follows the outside perimeter of the park along the water, but to really enjoy all that this park has to offer, wander into the interior trails. There is a playground for the littles and even Toddler Trails and Tales with storytime and trail exploration. After a peaceful morning here, head to Third Place Books and grab lunch at Raconteur.

5900 Lake Washington Blvd S // Trail map

Golden Gardens
If campfires and sunsets are more your jam, head to Golden Gardens. Watch sailboats cruise with the Olympic Mountains as a backdrop at this stunning beachfront park. Dip your toes in the sandy beach and bring firewood for the first-come, first serve fire pits. If you are looking to get some miles in though, there is a little know trail system in the park. Here is a 2.5 mile loop to get you started, or if you are looking for more exercise there are plenty of stairs to keep you in shape. Dogs are not allowed on the beaches in Seattle, but they are allowed on the trails and there is even an off-leash area of the park. Kids will love the jungle gym playground at the bathhouse. Walk down to Little Coney for an ice cream or chowder depending on the weather.

8498 Seaview Pl NW // Trail map

Green Lake
By far the most popular park on this list, Green Lake is seemingly the place that the entire city flocks to when the sun comes out. And for good reason. The paved trail around the glacier-formed lake is 2.8 miles, making it the perfect distance for a morning run or a coffee walk with a good friend. It is the meeting place of any and all and the best place for people watching. You’ll see tightrope walkers, bird watchers, painters, dog meet-up groups, and even skateboard mushers. Rent a boat to experience the lake from a different perspective, let the dog run off-leash at the dog park, or even visit the Woodland Park Zoo. Fuel your walk with a coffee at Fix Coffeehouse.

7201 E Greenlake Dr N

Alki Beach
Alki Beach became the birthplace of Seattle when the Denny party landed there in 1851. Today it is as close to a beach town as it gets around here. Burger joints and breweries line the street and the sandy beach begs for sand castles and bonfires in the summer. But this park is built for walking and riding as a wide paved trail and bike path follow the beach for 2.5 miles. Head south to the Alki Point Lighthouse or north for views of the city skyline. And don’t forget to grab a donut and coffee at Top Pot.

1702 Alki Ave SW

Lincoln Park
If you are looking for a less busy and less crowded alternative to Alki Beach, head to Lincoln Park, also in West Seattle. Trails wander through impressive forest and switchback down to the beach. A wide trail follows the beach making it great for biking or running or just walking along in quiet contemplation. On the beach, the driftwood begs for sitting and the rocks for skipping. In the summer, come for a swim at the outdoor Colman Pool. While in West Seattle, it is always worth a stop on California Ave at Bakery Nouveau for a killer croissant.

8011 Fauntleroy Way SW // Trail Map

Matthews Beach
This little known tiny park, eclipsed by nearby Magnuson Park, is all charm on a sunny day. The grassy knoll on the banks of Lake Washington, dotted with little white flowers, is hard to resist. In the summer, brave the chilly waters for a dip in the lake. Head away from the water to find a playground and an entrance to the Burke Gilman Trail. This is where the trail finds its way to the shore of Lake Washington. Head north on the trail and walk or for as long as you like or, if you are feeling ambitious, bike all the way to Woodenville for a sip of wine and lunch at The Commons.

5100 NE 93rd St // Trail Map

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A Rainy River Family Hike

March 28, 2017July 30, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

This weekend we finally got out for our first family hike. The weather looked somewhat promising so we jumped at the chance to get out on the trails. We headed to the Middle Fork Snoqualmie River for a low key meander through some beautiful forest.

The trail begins by crossing the raging river on one of the coolest wilderness bridges I’ve ever seen. The suspension bridge was built in the 1990’s and before then it was a dangerous ford across the river any time of year. After lingering on the bridge we headed left along the turquoise river.

The trail soon climbs away from the river to higher ground with views of Garfield Mountain in the distance. Fresh snow dusted the top and clouds gathered around the cliffs giving it a majestic appearance.

Moss carpeted the ground as we continued through second growth forest and past the shear wall of Stegosaurus Butte looming hundreds of feet above. Later the trail widens as it crosses many creek outlets on an old railroad bed. The route was once used to transport logs and you can even see some old rusted track along the trail.

Until this point it had been a mix of sun and clouds, but as we got about 3 miles in, it started to rain on us. We pulled out the little rain fly on the baby’s ergo carrier and found a place to sit and eat lunch. Evie got her first wilderness diaper change and nursing. I felt a bit like a wild animal while I nursed her on a rock covered in moss while the rain fell around us.

The rain wasn’t letting up so we headed back. We spotted what we thought was a dark colored deer and later when looking at the trailhead board, saw that elk lived in this area. We thought maybe it was a juvenile or female elk. This was a treat as we seem to rarely see wildlife on the trails.

As we packed Evie back up into the car, we decided that she is a true Northwest baby. She didn’t so much as fuss the entire time and the rain didn’t seem to bother her a bit. She babbled away in the car seat as we headed back home which is a new (and very fun) phase. I talked back and listed all the things we saw today: trees, river, rocks, bridge, ferns, moss, lichen, doggies, babies. How many trees do you think we saw? How many rocks? How many ferns… and on and on all the way home.

Hikes Featured in this Post:
Middle Fork Snoqualmie River

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Evie’s First Hike

March 21, 2017September 24, 2019
by Ashley Gossens

Since the day I found out I was pregnant, I’ve been thinking about baby’s first hike. Of all the firsts that she will have in this life, I was most excited for this one. I wanted it to be special, but as three months passed with never ending rain and as the realities of parenthood setting in, I realized we would just have to go out and do it.

Drink in the beauty and wonder at the meaning of what you see.

So we did it. I packed her up and off we went on a beautiful Sunday afternoon to Twin Falls. This easy, often crowded, short hike was one of the first hikes my husband and I did in Seattle and I’ve been there many times since. Usually the crowds would keep me away on a sunny weekend but it didn’t bother me now. Evie and I were in our own little bliss bubble and I was actually quite happy to see a great diversity of hikers and lots and lots of families on the trail.

We headed down the trail and I took it all in with new eyes. Not only was it Evie’s first hike, but it was also my first hike in a long time. I took a deep breath and soaked it up. Evie was awake and alert and doing what she loves to do in her ergo carrier- push her head back as far as she can so she can look at everything. She is the most curious baby and loves looking at new things.

I think about what it must look like to her, it is all just a blur of sky and shapes? Does she know that what she hears is a river rushing by? Will she recognize the smell of mud and skunk cabbage next time? There is something magical in knowing that this is the first time she has really looked at an old growth cedar and a sword fern and a waterfall.

There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature- the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after the winter.

I want to point out everything to her and tell her the names of the plants and trees. But as Rachel Carson writes in The Sense of Wonder, we should give up the impulse to teach and explain and let our children explore with feelings and emotions. This will be a challenge for me, I want to teach her everything I know as soon as possible! But I must remember to allow her to discover things on her own.

It is not half so important to know as to feel.

So instead I make up a song to sing on the way down the trail as I see her eyes getting drowsy. ‘What goes up, must come down. Down, down, down. Down, down, down. What goes up, must come down, down to the river.’

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.

The Sense of Wonder by Rachel Carson

The legendary environmentalist Rachel Carson wrote this essay in 1956 about spending time on the coast of Maine with her nephew. Her lessons hold up decades later as she gives advice on how to introduce children to nature and spark a sense of wonder. She says that we should rediscover our own sense of wonder and help them discover the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in. The edition we have that was gifted to us is a beautiful hardback full of lovely photographs to accompany Carson’s lyrical words.

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New Year, New Life

March 8, 2017July 30, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

Hello, world! I am here. I exist, I’m alive and I thrive! I’ve emerged like a mama bear from hibernation with her baby cub. Yep, I’m back! And, I dare say, better than ever!

I know what you’re thinking- wow, she’s hopped up on sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones and gone a little cray cray. And you might be a little correct. I don’t feel like I heard this enough before, but you guys, having a baby is the best. It is certainly not easy but I have a newfound joy and sense of purpose: my baby girl, Evie. Now that she’s almost three months old I’m coming up for air and taking some time to reflect on my journey through pregnancy, birth, and newborn baby land and wanted to share some thoughts.

Pregnancy is the worst.

Recently, my cousin, who was in her first trimester, mentioned that someone told her that she should be enjoying her pregnancy and she felt bad because she wasn’t enjoying it at all. I told her this was nonsense. There is nothing enjoyable about being pregnant. It’s uncomfortable, nauseating and downright terrifying. I had three scares in late pregnancy. The first was when I tripped and fell on the sidewalk while walking to work at 30 weeks. Yep, not proud of it. That put me in the hospital overnight and after that I had nearly constant painful contractions until birth. The baby was fine, but we were convinced she would come early. She didn’t. The second scare was during my weekly OB appointment. I’ll spare you the gory details, but it involved my doctor repeating the words “this has never happened before” (words you never ever want to hear from your doctor) and sending me straight to the hospital. Needless to say, everything was fine. The third surprise was at the appointment one day before my due date. My blood pressure had suddenly skyrocketed and my doctor wanted to induce right away.

Not everything goes according to plan.

In birth prep class, the instructor tells you to close your eyes and imagine your ideal birth. I imagined myself on a gorgeous mountainside, my husband massaging my shoulders for a couple hours until the baby beautifully and effortlessly made her way into the world. No meds, no interventions, just a beautiful natural birth. But I knew better than to think it would be easy and I knew that birth plans were regularly tossed aside as reality entered the picture, but I was really hoping for a natural birth. What I ended up with was anything but.

To make a very long story short, I went in to be induced on Friday night, December 16th, and didn’t have Evie until early Monday morning. I labored 10 hours without pain relief while on Pitocin until I decided to get an epidural to prevent swelling from pushing too early. It was sweet sweet relief, however, the epidural only really worked on one side of my body and I could still feel a lot of pain. After many more hours I was stuck at 9 cm and baby was sunny side up and a little twisted. After more waiting and a few issues with the baby’s heart rate, the doctors recommended that I have a c-section. At this point I had barely slept or eaten in days and I had never been so exhausted in my life. I was disappointed that after all that work they would just end up cutting her out. At the same time, though, I knew that we had tried everything possible to get her out and it just wasn’t going to happen and now she was showing signs of distress. I was ready for it to all be over and to meet my healthy baby girl. Not long after heading to the OR, I heard her little cry and they brought her to me. I thought how strange she looked. She was completely red and wailing and didn’t look like anyone I had ever seen before. I wasn’t sure what to do with her or how to make her stop crying. But then I noticed she was blowing little bubbles out of her mouth, something I had sworn I felt her doing in my belly, and I knew she was mine.

Having a difficult birth ending in a C-section can be meaningful and even a little magical.
They say that sometimes women make up their own coping mechanisms on the spot during labor and mine was the dolphin kick. During contractions I would lay on my side, cling to the bed railing and swing my legs forward and backward on top of the bed like I was a dolphin swimming underwater. I said to my husband, “I don’t know where this dolphin kick thing is coming from, but it’s working!” After Evie was born she made the most delightful squeaks and squeals that sounded just like little dolphin noises.

I can be proud of my birth story even though it ended with a C-section
I had nurses tell me that they’ve never seen anyone labor so long on Pitocin without pain meds. I must admit that this makes me a little proud although I am absolutely 100% sure I could never do that again. And I’m also very sure that many many women have endured much worse. The thing I am most proud of, though, is when my doula told me that I didn’t complain about anything the entire time. The birth may not have been ideal or according to plan, but I was okay with it because I maintained my composure and made educated and mindful decisions. This I am proud of and I am not ashamed to have a C-section baby.

Sometimes the drive home from the hospital is more painful than the drive to the hospital.
I learned very quickly that recovery was going to be long and difficult. This was the thing that I was not prepared for. And the hormones, oh the hormones! When Evie was 2 weeks old my husband had to go to Juneau to work for a week. Until then I thought we had everything under control with the baby and that I could handle it. My mother-in-law flew out from the east coast to help while he was gone. I was pretty miserable but doing ok until we found that one of our pet chickens was sick. A quick google search of the symptoms told me that the prognosis was not going to be good and that we’d most likely have to put old Foghorn down. I didn’t know what to do and it would be several days before my husband would be back to help. I called the bird vet and they said to bring her in right away. I knew I wasn’t going to come home with the chicken. Now, I can’t say that I was ever particularly close to this chicken but packing up my 2 week old baby in the car and our sick chicken to take it to its inevitable death was much more than I could handle. By the time I got to the vet I was sobbing. The people working there must have thought I was crazy and really attached to this little hen. I wasn’t really. There was just something about life and death happening in such a short period of time that was really overwhelming. Life and death, man. Ugh.

Time flies and slows down at the same time.
I remember shortly after having Evie that a friend told me life with baby gets easier around 2 months. This felt like a lifetime away to me at that point, but alas it came and went, and here we are at 11 weeks. It feels like time went by so quickly, but then when I think back to those first few weeks, it feels like a lifetime ago. Evie is already growing out of things that I didn’t think possible. She’s cooing and smiling and noticing things. She’s even reading books! Ok, we are reading them to her, but she actually looks at the books! I feel as though I will blink and she’ll be a teenager. I’m determined to enjoy every single minute.

The Blue Jay’s Dance by Louise Erdrich

The prolific and brilliant author, Louise Erdrich, graces us with her memoir and meditations on pregnancy, birth, and becoming new mother. I am reading this in short bursts as I get time, usually one-handed while I’m nursing. The short vignettes that follow a theme of the seasons are perfect for savoring over time. It is quiet, honest, heartfelt, and brings a smile of recognition to my face every time I open it.

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Outdoor Life

Pregnant in the Wild

October 4, 2016August 7, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

When I found out in the spring that I was pregnant, the first thing I did was calculate my due date. The second thing I did was calculate how pregnant I would be in August. I had plans. I had a long list of hikes and mountains to climb this summer, including a multi-day backpacking trip complete with a summit of Mt Adams. But I would be 5 months pregnant in August. I naively thought perhaps these things were still possible.

As the snow melted and trails opened up for the summer, it was clear that my hiking days would be limited. After a few months spent doing nothing but napping, I returned to outdoor life. But I was completely out of shape and out of breath on even the easiest of trails. Well, if I wasn’t going to climb a volcano while pregnant I at least wanted to do something besides hobble down an easy trail without passing out. I decided that I would try backpacking.

This was not an immediate decision and I went back and forth about it over and over again. Would it be comfortable sleeping on the ground? How much weight could I carry in addition to my growing belly? And of course, most importantly, was I going to hurt my baby? After doing some research, I decided that I could do it as long as I didn’t carry much more than I normally carried on a day trip. That wouldn’t be possible with just me and my husband, but luckily, we had some family coming to town who offered to carry the extra weight.

We set out on a hot August morning on the road to Mt Baker. We chose to hike up to Twin Lakes since it was an easy road hike and people would be car camping up there so we could get a ride down if we needed it. That gave me some peace of mind. It was also a short climb with stunning views and we could visit one of my favorite lookouts on Winchester Mountain.

I shouldered my backpack and felt comforted by its heft. I knew I could take more but I let the others carry my weight. I would have to get used to this. I’m not accustomed to letting others help me and I know I have to let go of the urge to prove I’m strong by imposing unneeded suffering on myself. This just seems like an unhealthy parenting style to me and anyways, I don’t have just me to think about anymore, but my little growing baby too. I let it go.

As I trudged up the road at a snails pace and sweating buckets, I was instantly grateful for my light pack and for my husband who hiked slowly with me. I thought about giving birth and how it was going to be infinitely harder than this. I told my husband that when that time comes and I’m struggling, to gently remind me that at least there are not swarms of black flies in the birthing suite trying to eat my flesh. I vow to keep all things in proper perspective.

It wasn’t too long before we reached the lakes and had lunch. We found perhaps one of the best campsites in all the North Cascades and set up camp. We wandered back down to the lake and dipped our toes in the ice cold water. It felt so good. I found the most comfortable patch of grass and laid my head on a smooth rock and took a nap with Nali curled up at my feet. That night we cooked up some delicious food and played Yahtzee until the sun set and we had to use our headlamps. Before we went to sleep my husband and I snuggled on a blanket and watched the stars come out.

The next day we trekked up to the lookout on Winchester Mountain. I had no pack this time but I was still incredibly slow. Young couples glided past me and I envied their normal-sized bodies and their infinite energy. A few fit young moms carrying their toddlers on their backs passed me and I thought it insane that a body can go from this to that and decided there is no way that my body will ever do that. I decided to just not think about it and have a snack instead. Pregnancy is humbling in so many ways…

I used the following day to rest while the others went to hunt for mines. I took out my sleeping pad and sleeping bag and piled all the soft things I could find up at the top to prop myself up. The air had just a hint of coolness that made it the perfect temperature to put on my beanie and lay in my sleeping bag and read. I was reading about mindfulness. I read through the body scan meditation and really felt every sensation happening to and around me. I don’t think I’ve ever been more relaxed than I was right there snuggled in my bag, Nali curled up next to me with nothing else in view but mountains.

I thought about getting up to grab my camera or phone to take a picture so I could remember that moment forever. But I knew if I got up the spell would be broken. Instead I took a moment to commit it all to memory. The contours of the peaks on the horizon, the waving evergreen limbs of the trees, the hum of the bees buzzing in the wildflowers nearby. It’s all in my head now, there to recall whenever I need it. When the pain comes, this will be my happy place.

Mindful Birthing by Nancy Bardacke

This is the mindfulness book that I was reading on this backpacking trip. I really recommend it for anyone who is pregnant and anxious about the birth. Bardacke teaches meditation to prepare the body and mind for relaxation during the birthing process. This is a whole new way to think about pain and endurance. The jury is still out for me on whether it works or not, but I know that it has already helped to calm my worried mind in preparation for birth and I can only hope that it helps someone else as well.

Hikes Featured in this Post:

Winchester Mountain

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Outdoor Life

Evergreen Mountain Lookout

September 21, 2016October 9, 2018
by Ashley Gossens

This year for my birthday all I wanted was to spend the day with my husband and go for a hike. We chose to go to Evergreen Mountain because it checks all of my pregnancy hike boxes, which is really just one: short. And, bonus, it’s a lookout! Double bonus: blueberries!

We got lots of elevation out of the way on the long drive to the trailhead which was much appreciated as we hit the trail in the heat of the day. Luckily there were lots of huckleberries to distract from my frequent stops to catch my breath. The trail is short but it’s a bit steep in the beginning and I was a little worried as I looked up to our destination.

But as we continued on, the trail mellowed through some trees providing much needed shade. From there it was just one final push to the top. We were extra happy to find that the whole upper side of the mountain was completely covered in ripe blueberries. We paused to munch away vowing to harvest them on the descent.

Where there wasn’t blueberries there were wildflowers pink and white inviting us higher. It was mostly Sitka valerian, spirea, and pink heather, some of my favorites. Soon enough, the lookout and Glacier Peak came into view.

The lookout was not open but we had the place to ourselves so we huddled against the shaded side of the structure. We ate our lunch and identified the surrounding peaks: Monte Cristo, Columbia, Sloan, and of course, Glacier Peak.

It was just three years ago when we climbed that mountain and my how things have changed. Being pregnant, I sometimes forget how it was in the not so distant past when I was un-pregnant. I miss spending a full day on a long, grueling but ultimately rewarding hike and then waking up the next day and doing it all over again. I miss checking off summits and feeling like I earned my exhaustion, not just feeling exhausted because I got out of bed today. Sometimes I think I will never have the energy or time to climb mountains again, but I know that’s not true. My “to be climbed” list just has a new title: “to be climbed someday with my kid.” Man, I really hope she likes mountains…

Hike Featured in this Post:

Evergreen Mountain Lookout